Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Ok after doing everything I can for more than the required 90days I still see no improvements.In fact if anything it is all worse.I now cannot function without pain meds and my head is sore anyway.The pain meds make me sick and I am not doing so well with that either.
I am giving up I think.I have had enough.
I will still do all the good things to help me like take my herbs and sleep and go to work and all that.But I give up on the rest.I have to keep life going forward in some way and I am finding that the pain is whittling it all down to not very much.
There are creative things I am doing that I love and I am making more time for those.Very important.
I am not going to allow those around me to get to me anymore and I am not going to waste anymore of my precious time and energy on those who tell me I am a liar, scammer and a thief.Yes if you are reading this you know who you are.ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!
So I am doing things that show I have integrity.Funny that I am not advertising them to the world and so you dont know anything about them.I do not need the public recognition to say I am doing a good job and I do not need you to tell me I am ok. You know who I am talking to.
So on that note I am going to waste no more time and I am off to send my beautiful creations out into the world so they can go to new homes.
Thank you all and have the bestest day.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Thursday, September 29, 2011

This is me and Marjorie. We were celebrating our friendship by a shared haircut experience where we donated our hair to a children's group who makes wigs for kids with no hair,due to chemo or illness or other reasons.
I am writing this because I am saddened by the end of our friendship.I know it was months ago but it seems that even though I got on with my life and left it all alone as I said I would do and I respected her boundaries and left her to her success my dear friend was not able to accord me the same respect.
It is a sad thing really because she has so many many lovely qualities that are so very valuable to the wider community and to the world as a whole.
I really do still love my friend even if she will not call me that.I still have a respect for her work and her good deeds and I still feel she is a wonderful and valuable person in many many ways.She can and does bring a lot of joy and support to many.I am writing this because the negatives are creeping out and are damaging her and others.
So here is a short message....I guess I may be the only one to read it BUT I am going to write it anyway.
The buck stops here.If it is within my power, I will not let you hurt anyone else the way you have chosen to hurt me.I will do everything I can to protect those who cannot do for themselves and I will share what you have done so that the whole world can read your words and see the results of your deeds.
For myself..... I am a big girl.
I thank you so much for the lessons you have provided for me and I thank you for the chance to change and to improve.I thank you so very very much for the painful moments as well as for the wonderful times we shared.Those will not be taken from me and are treasured still the same way with the same love and care as they were made.
So Thank you Miss Marjorie.
God Bless and Good Luck

Tanya


Buses all lined up to go.I often travel on ones that look like these and they are fun.
It seems my travelling is getting faster.Not so much in distance but certainly in time. Days scream past so very very fast.
I started doing some yoga two days ago.Result....I am waking up more awake and alert and earlier.It is having some sort of effect.I guess I need to keep it up.
We ate late this evening and so I have to wait a little while longer while my tummy empties a little.Not a good thing to exercise after a meal.Hence my having time to blog LOL.
I have also done a LOT of work today.I am proud of my efforts and know that they will pay off and do so quickly.It is coming and coming very very fast.Just like Christmas which will be here next week.
Ok off to do a little more paperwork and then to stand on my head.Yes I still can.LOL
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day 121


Just a random garden.

Ah gosh it is weeks these days between times I write.So much has happened and yet nothing.
My head is still in a work F**Ked and I am putting that nicely.The pain is now constant even with a patch and I am trying very hard to do without adding the highly addictive painkillers that they contain.It kind of sucks when you feel like you want to die only because you hurt so much.
I can hear a lot of people say "well you are a lucky lady". I know this and I say that to myself often.I have so much going for me and I enjoy the life I have.I just dont want to be in so much pain anymore.
That was why I started to look for answers that are not medically based.
The mushrooms and the Thai herbs keep me kind of stable and I definitely feel worse if I dont take them.So I increased the dose but that didnt add to the relief unfortunately.I am not going to quit them as they do help somehow.
The diet... well it has been a little erratic of late.I am finding it hard to eat when I feel so crap.Mind you the nausea hasnt been as bad and I put that down to the herbs.Cant be much else that helps it.
I will look out for me a bit more an eat a little better.I do have to cut out some of the known allergens I have been consuming.Silly girl that I am but it is so easy to eat a sandwich and not have to cook.
Ok off to actually do some work instead of playing about.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Monday, September 19, 2011

Day 112



I wonder what it would be like to live in a little cave such as this one?
In some ways I have been. Maybe not so beautiful and certainly not as small because I am not so tiny but a little cave none the less.
I am breaking out of it and out of the dark and finding answers to all these odd questions and habits and so much other stuff but not yet the answer to the head.That is still to come.
I am taking my herbs regularly which is more than I was before. I am drinking my mushrooms everyday and they do help and I have resorted to using a patch for pain.I feel I kind of sold out there but there is no choice and it all hurts too much to function if I dont.
So I go forward and I will keep looking. I am yet to start on doing some yoga. I am procrastinating on that and not because it wont do any good but possibly because it will. I have had a habit of self sabotage and it has not served me well so I know it is time to let that one go.With awareness comes responsibility.I am take that responsibility and working with it as I uncover stuff I am working it out and removing the triggers that have had me running around in circles and going no where fast.
Ok I have to fly out.
I know I pop in for only a few minutes and not often enough. I am getting over that too,
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Monday, September 5, 2011

Day 97



My children. I am so proud of them all and hope that this wedding of the younger daughter will be successful and she will have a wonderful life.

This is a surprise. Tanya is blogging again after only 4 days. Well I actually feel ok today.I have had a rough few days and pain has been over the top.Pain patch to the rescue and whilst I am a little sleepy and a lot foggy in the brain I can function better.I also feel more motivated to do stuff I am supposed to.

This last few days has had me searching for answers again. I have had so many events that I have had to turn down, not attend or just plain cancel because I have been sick. I have missed out on so many opportunities and so many chances because of being ill and well... frankly speaking.... I have had enough.
So I sat and asked again and listened again and that didnt help much.All by myself it kind of yields nothing. Yesterday I sat and talked to my friend on Skype for a little over two hours.My how the time just flew past but it was so very useful for us both. I honestly point things out for her and she does the same for me. Sometimes she says things about her stuff that opens up new doors in mine. So what were the key things yesterday.

Safety..... I dont feel safe in my body.Now that has to be a strange sounding thing to many but to me it is natural.After all my body has been a very big source of pain from illness and abuse for most of my life and as such it makes me a lot insecure in how I feel about this physical 3D vehicle I travel about in.

After I worked that one out the questions tumbled out and they were things like "How can I change this so I feel safer? Do I have underlying beliefs that stop me feeling safe? If I have are they able to be changed and stay in place?" Oh and "What next?"

It all comes back to Faith. I have to believe that this all has a purpose and that I am being supported in all this. I have to just take it on face value that my life has a purpose and I am valuable (after all I am just as equal as everyone else so have the same "value"). I have decided to do what I am able and to look after myself and give back to me as best I can and let the rest go by the by. Not stress on it all and know that if the pain of illness gets too bad then I will be taken care of some how.Faith.What a fun concept.

On that note I am off to work. Still have to work even if it is too hard and I will do my best.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Friday, September 2, 2011

Day 93



When I went to Chiang Mai a few years ago I walked up this stairway. It felt like it was going on and on forever but I slowly and surely made it to the top.
A little like this journey.
This week has been a challenge and a half and I am sure that I do not want to go through this all again please. And yet I may have to.
Pain is not my friend and it is getting worse. I have had to use the pain patches I have been resisting because I am not able to cope with the increase in the level of pain. In fact my liver and belly is now heavily involved and I am looking almost pregnant because of the swelling. I have increased the mushrooms and added the Thai Herbs again which are helping with energy but not the pain stuff so at least I am having a small win.
I went to the Drs to get some more tests done.Thursday this week is ultra sound day and I have had more blood taken.We will see.The Dr.....well I guess I was less than happy with the fact that he didnt listen and is treating me as if I have an ulcer. Gosh I wish it was so very simple. I could have fixed that myself LOL.

Today my daughter gets married.I wish her all the best. It seems that in spite of all the best of intentions and all the best of the actions I am able to make I am still considered by her as the biggest bitch on earth.Oh well So Be It. She can live with the consequences of her actions as well and then maybe grow up a little.It will be interesting to see what happens over the next few months to a year.
Yes that is a lot more to all this but I wont bore anyone reading this nor will I start a flood of tears from me.
Today we will go to the park and see the butterflies. Just for something different to do.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Day 87


Another week has screamed past and I am so far behind.
The pic is of the local statue in Rayong that is meant to keep the sea friendly.It is there to protect.I wonder where I can find one for my front door to keep out all the nastys.

So pain has not been fun and I have been wondering what to do. I have resisted for ages to put on a patch because I dont want an addiction to pain meds but on Thursday afternoon it all got too much and I finally put one on.
I slept a little and then when I woke I felt about a million percent better. The pain is still there but the really hard edges were gone. I have had an awesome last couple of days with loads of laughs and fun in the day as well as managing to get something done without it being a struggle. I think the next patch wont be so far away next time. I like having a sense of freedom and even if the pain is not gone completely it is now back in manageable mode.
I am taking my Thai herbs again as I know they dont do much in the jar. I feel better for that too.I am less tired which helps a lot and I am sleeping better. Oh and I bought a new pillow last week as well.Its a latex rubber one that remembers its form and it has made my head hurt less in the mornings. Better support helps a lot there as well.
So over all the week has been positive.
On that note I also allowed myself to get angry. For the first time in such a long time. Instead of swallowing it and getting on with it all I actually allowed myself to blow up and feel the feeling. Wow how liberating was that. I know now that I am ok even if I am angry about something and the outcome of anger doesnt have to be destructive to a relationship or to me.Part of the end result of that is that I have decided now to stop "not doing" for me. Its not a good thing to deny myself basics like new shoes and clothes while I give all to someone else. So I am going to see the Dr and get tests done. I have a day off on Friday and have made an appointment. Time to see what is happening in the belly.
The belly is as uncomfortable and painful as the head these days. Too much pressure and a huge lump that is hard.I need to work out what that is so I can focus on making it go away.We will see what gives at the end of the week.
So all in all a very very big week and I learnt a lot. I hope my little words give an insight but it was very very big.
Will be back again soon. Not so long between posts.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Monday, August 15, 2011

Gosh Day 80 already

I really want a week or more in a little place like this. No stress, no fuss and no worries.

I have really been snowed under with so much. I did a couple of things last week and I have put a couple of posts under this so as you can get an idea of what I did.Well it wasnt much I wrote about but it felt important at the time.Today is already more than a week past last Monday and it screamed by so fast.I have made an amazing set out of what I started in Laos and no it is not finished just yet but today it may finally get off the bench and onto a model for pics. I hope so.
This blog started as a journey to find an answer to my head pain. Well it is has not done that. Medically I have been able to do not much as I have had no money to see a Dr. I had bloodwork done that tells me I have a cancer lurking somewhere and that the pain in my head and belly may be connected but no diagnostics.I am working so hard on getting up everyday to go to work to pay the bills and then to come home and create stuff for the shows I have been invited to so that I can raise the funds to have the scan I need to have done so I can do what? Die anyway? Well I am enjoying it all as much as pain will allow. The horrid nasty stuff saps all the energy and takes away a lot of joy at times and I find myself making my world smaller so I dont hurt as much.
I have done so much inner healing stuff and off loaded so much baggage and changed so many ways. The "New age" people tell me that it will help. I am at that point now where it doesnt matter really one way or another because there is no future really. Not past the next few weeks or months. Oh well.NO today is not a down day. It is how it is everyday. I just dont see the point any longer.
Ok I am off to work.I will explore this more another time.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day? Saturday 6th.
Ok so here I am again. Late again.
I had a brush with the Grim Reaper yesterday. I seriously felt I was dying. I woke feeling pretty awful and my head was bad. So I took a dose of Cafergot to try and help. I have taken it before with no problems so thought it would be safe enough. I dressed and went off to school for Thai class and then 4 hours at work. My new job is great only being 4 hours a day and a flexible 12 o'clock start.
Sitting in the classroom and the nausea began and the head got worse. I tried just washing my face and cooling down but it continued to get worse so I went home. Dont know what the boss will think because I have only just started but I was glad I left because in the cab I was really feeling crappy and by the time I got home had to have help to even walk.
Upstairs (what an effort that was) and into bed to vomit everywhere and pass out. As I let go into unconciousness the whole room turned Emerald Green and I was floating in it. It felt so clean and fresh and alive.
A few hours later I woke up. I was still shaky and dizzy but not dying anymore. Dying is the only way to really describe the feeling I had had before.
It was not a good time and I wont be touching the meds again. Lesson learnt.
Today I woke feeling alert and more well than I have in a long long time. I didnt need the coffee kick start I usually have to have and my usual lack of motivation has all but disappeared. I want to do things and want to move forward. Today I feel valuable and happy.
The Green? I feel it was a healing and I know it is why I feel the way I do today. I also know I can access it anytime now. I wonder how I can share that one too? Will have to look at it.
Off now to sort my visa run. I have to go to Laos to get my visa. Funny how this sort of travelling no longer is more than just routine. Gosh I am going to another country even and it is kind of boring lol. I have a couple of projects I will work on that are time intensive so will get things done too.
Ok alomst there. Must look out for my stop.


Love and Hugs
Tanya

Monday
Laos. Slept for about 4hours late night. The trip in the van was ok but not good for sleeping. So my visa was approved. YAY I am happy and I started my new piece but the light was crap so only could do a little. Then I was too tired so went to sleep. Spent time watching crappy movies and thinking. Ok all good. Time to go back to bed. I'm still so tired.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Day 67


Larimar.... I bought a kg about a year ago. Well I finally am going to do something with it and as a result of looking at it all and working with it, it seems I am going forward as well.

I have been offloading energetics that have been in place for a while now. I let go of some negative experiences. Not the experience itself per se, just the energy and I feel better for it. All this working out about how to find a path through the headache and pain keeps bringing me back to all this baggage I have been lugging about.

As I let go, new stuff is flowing in so very very fast. I just wish it would balance and I could sleep a little as well but that will come as I get used to the increased flow. Balance seems to arrive when needed.

We are looking at a weekend away next weekend if possible.We have been invited to go to the Gems Capital of Thailand and to check out the candy box of precious and semi-precious stones of a huge store. OMG what fun that would be.I hope I can swing it. As it is I have to go to Laos on Sunday to make my new visa and that is a 3 day trip in a small bus there and back. Fun times but I can see me making something beautiful while I am away because I will have time to sit and work.

Ok on that front all is screaming along. So many new avenues and so many opportunities are popping up. I hope they all bear fruit in a timely fashion as well.

I am not teaching right now because I am writing textbook material but will begin teaching again after next week.Its only a couple of private classes so it should be ok. I feel a little burnt out right now but know it can be sorted once I get this stupid liver functioning again. It seems to want to hurt all the time.Will have it looked at when money comes and so hopefully this will be soon.

Ok have to fly out the door.Shower, dress and off. I'll be late if I dont move now.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Monday, August 1, 2011

Day 64


Gosh more than a week has screamed by and I am just catching up with myself.
I have decided I am going to pretend I dont hurt. This is not an easy thing and I still do actually hurt but I am pretending. Why? Because if I dont I will just curl up in a corner and cry.
My classes ended for now and I am looking at a new job with interesting prospects. I am being asked to write some text materials and I know my method works well.I have seen the results of it and so I will consider it.It is a way of getting my "self" out there into the community in such a positive way.
I have completed a few new designs (no pics yet) and I have also gotten a new lamp.That is such an exciting thing as it means I can now see more clearly to work on my pieces. I am so looking forward to having time to play.
When is that going to happen? Well at this point in time I am not sure. I dont even sit at the computer for days at a time, I sleep when I am able because this upset liver thing is knocking my sleep patterns all over the shop and I am so tired in between. I have to get over that as well. Its all a concept I guess and can be changed if needs be. Good thing that.
So many new ideas and opportunities flooding in. Now to get the money flowing as well so I am able to meet the deadlines I have and to get it all going forward as fast as it seems to want to flow.
I send out love and hugs to those of you who are not well or who have great hardship.If I am able I will sort something a little more concrete but at this stage it is not possible.
Got to go and write assessments for my last class.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Day 56


A morning with such lovely colour.

I woke today late. I have been having difficulty getting to bed before midnight as I get so caught up in my projects.
I am so over the whole online thing and am finding it hard to get back into the things I need to do online. Like checking mails and reading up on things I know I need to do. I also have to make certificates for my students and an assessment thing to give to HR.What fun. I just dont want to sit at the computer.I think some of that is because I spent so much time before online only to be so ripped apart by those who decided I wasnt doing what they wanted. Takees a lot to be able to write this. It hurts.Yes I know that I dont have to accept anything that others say and as long as I am doing a good job it is none of my business what anyone else thinks about me BUT having said that I am still human and it hurts.
So I will go back to my bench and my teaching and transform all the negatives into beautifuls and then go forward from there. You should see the change in colour of the sapphires I was working with. They went from being a muddy blue to bright and popping colour. So lovely now.All that love and care inside LOL

Ok I am off
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Day 52



A classic Thai House. Somewhere I would love to live with all the wood and trees.

So day 52 has all but ended. I am still so far behind and I am also wondering what the?????
I feel like crap because I seem to have a cold but no runny nose or anything. Just a swollen face and a sore throat. The face doesnt hurt and no signs of infection so I am very confused on this one. Have huge pressure in the ear and on the eye as well but no pain. I guess that is a good thing in many ways.

My headache still has no answers and no cause that can be pin pointed and so I am still looking. I am looking in all sorts of directions including......What if this really is all in my imagination? What do I get out of this and what is the benefit of being very sick? So far I cannot answer any of these.

Ok off to complete an order that I didnt do yesterday and to complete a set I started on the weekend. I love the set but I dont want to complete it for whatever reason.Oh well it cant sit on the bench permanently so I will complete it.
I will also spend some more time in the next day or so and make some piece to go out for Gabby ( I think that is how you spell her name) She is 5 and has a brain cancer and whilst I promised beads I think I can make some pretties myself to go as well.

Ok off now.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Day 49

A whole week has passed. It was a haze of pain and rushing to meet commitments for work and then there was public holidays for the Buddhist calendar and, well a new week has begin and I am here.

I have had time to sit and make some things.Will post pics when I make some. It feels so good to be a bit creative again and I am letting my mind roam as I go.
Today I am contemplating the markers of success and how we measure ourselves. I guess the question for me is Am I successful?
Well by my fathers measure I will never be good enough no matter what I do, say or who I know so I am throwing that measuring stick away. I know I am good enough in so many ways and I am looking at other areas because I really want to leave a decent legacy.

So in the standards of finance I am not successful. I have no savings and no money really and I have no assets to speak of. If I was dead then my children will inherit but only because I took measures to make sure they were provided for. This doesnt make me financially successful though.

In my work? Well I know the contributions I have made to my students will ripple through so in many ways this is a good indicator of success. However, I didnt really use my education and I havent really given the bulk part of what I know to anyone and no one else can use it. The jury is still out on this point.

In my love life? HUGE fail there. Messed up every romantic relationship I have ever had and whilst I have a stable relationship currently I know my being unwell is taking its toll.

Health wise? HUGE fail there. No success for health. No matter how hard I try it seems to just get worse. Guess genes can be blamed for some but then I dont know.

My family and children? No idea. They dont talk to me really and I will stay away because I dont want to interupt. Guess that is not successful either.

So I have a couple of wins but more losses in the arena of success than I want to admit. It is an interesting exercise because if I look objectively as possible overall my life is ok. I am improving as I go and have learnt a lot from my past. I am not in a hurry to remake it nor am I wanting to rebuild structures that have failed me in the past. Forward I go.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Day 41


A balloon Princess from Chinese New Year.

I just realised that Sunday passed and I didnt blog. I guess the day was filled with little glass beads and lots of fishing line and all sorts of other creative goodies and I missed it passing so fast. It was a very industrious day and I completed all the small orders I had so I can now take them with me on Tuesday.
I havent felt like eating at all. I am drinking enough water and enough mushrooms and I am making sure I have electrolytes often. It is so hot and I am now sweating again which is a good sign.
The nausea is a constant companion these days and I am not enjoying it and last week was not fun as my head and other parts of my body were so so sore. Friday I slept 15 hours straight and that seems to have put paid to my sleeping. I am not able to sleep even if I am tired and so do lie down to rest and at least take the pressure off from being upright. I do miss sleep though. It is fun LOL.We will see what this week brings.
Today I am off to a new school to try and sort a student visa and to work out what next. I have a little time and that is all good. We are thinking carefully about the next options and where we are headed. It is an interesting time in the Chinese sense of the word but I am hoping it doesnt get too much more interesting as I have all I can handle right now.

I have been addressing long standing issues and putting them to bed. It is important for me that I let this go. I do not need to drag it with me. Now that I have sent out the required emails and the explanations I can and will let it all go. It is not my problem any longer and I am ok with that. It was time. As I have been doing this I have been getting flashes of insight into what next and where to go forward. Makes it easier to move emotionally even when I cant move much physically.

Ok off to shower and out the door.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Days 38 and 39


I was sick yesterday. So very unwell with fever and chills and so went to bed. I had spent half the day at Immigration getting an extension for my visa and then went to buy groceries. Came home and crashed and slept for about 16 hours.
Today (which is technically day 39) started with me feeling kind of ok. I got up, did the washing by hand and then pottered about and threw out a load of rubbish while I looked for some important papers.
I was happy to find them and then went to the DTAC shop to once again register a complaint about the lack of a package on my internet account when I had paid for one. I had a win there finally and they have given me a refund and the package deal as it was stated when I bought my Sim card.
I also went and did a little shopping and bought new tools. That was fun. A lot like being in a candy store LOL.
Came home, had a rest, put the duck on for dinner and sat and made an order. Well I tried. The tiger tail was cut too short so I had to restring it again. Oh well will finish it tomorrow. I love my new toys.

The photo above is me and my sisters and my brother when we were young. Oh if I could just talk to Tanya from then and let her into some insights. Things like "make sure you wear your sunscreen" ALL the time, and "Be nice to you because no one else really will until you are" and " dont rush, take your time and enjoy every moment because they are used up way too fast". Just a few pointers. Things I have told my children but that have fallen on deaf ears and I know when they are remembered it will be too late. I guess that is the Blessing of kids. Got to love them anyways.

Ok I am off for now. It is time to rest as it is getting late.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Day 37


It's a cleaning sort of day. Got up did the dishes, swept the floor and then sat and finished a couple of pieces before I run out the door.

I am so over this. I have had enough of mess and untidiness and disorder. So I guess I have to do it myself. There really is no other choice in this.
I am also working out what next as far as my pain levels. Still too sore to move much and getting up and down hurts. Got to still do though.
I am also working out a visa thing and about work. I am almost at the point where I am prepared to give it all away, pack up and go back to Australia. Almost but not yet. That would mean no lifestyle at all and would be a total defeat. So I hold on for now.

Ok off to shower, dress and get out the door. My taxi will be here soon and I have to be ready on time today. I was late on Tuesday and he had to wait. Not really a good thing.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Day34,35 and 36


Palantina In South West Germany


Day 34
Back teaching. I am happy to be here and it is fun.

My body hurts. The back where my shunt is sited hurts so much to move and my liver is very very sore. Dont know why because I havent done anything to it. Not hungry as well. Oh well I guess something is progressing. The lumps under my arms and the big one I have in my belly are hard now as well. Still not sore which is kind of a blessing but they are big and getting bigger. I think my lump is pregnant LOL

So what next? Guess I am going to go and do my bloodwork and go from there. When is the question as I dont have free time until Friday. It can wait a few days I think. It has been waiting long enough.

On a more personal note...... I am officially letting go of my children. They are able to call or email me to ask for money and gifts but not to let me know they are travelling the globe or to update me on their career choices even when I am the one making the effort to catch up with them. So as they are independant young people who are capable and able I am walking away. I have done what I need to and am now free of that obligation. I still love them no end but am no longer going to run around after them. So Be It.
I feel better already.
Ok time to teach.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Day 35
No writing today.I didnt take the time to do it. Tomorrow is already here so will write for day 36.


Day 36
I woke feeling really really crappy. We went last night to the Korean Barbeque place for dinner because it was a year ago yesterday I went to Germany and it was a pretty significant event.
I also went and had bloodwork done and will get the results next week. I had to talk the Dr into doing the tests because he didnt want to do them. He said he didnt think they were necessary and tried to fob me off to a new hospital to go and wait somewhere else. Now in this country the reason Drs give you is not always true and it is quite ok for them to send you away without treating you if you are ill. It is part of this culture here of not wanting to give bad news.
So he poked my lumps and bumps, told me that the ones on the outer parts of my body were possibly Lipomas and nothing to worry about and so I went on to show him the new cherry angiomas that are popping up along the lymph lines and the lump under my arm. Well first he said the lump wasnt there but checked a second time and tells me it is only small and not important. LOL the thing is the size of a tennis ball or larger and now has friends in the area that are easy to palpate.
It was only after the under my arm thing, that he agreed to take my blood. So while he is drawing blood he is giving me a prescription to go and learn to meditate. LOL Apparently this whole pain thing is from past life Karma and I need to clear it and then will have a "miracle" cure from all my pain etc. Now dont get me wrong...I do agree on some points but I also know that you have to know what you are fighting so you are not shadow boxing. I will get the results next week. Will keep you all posted.

I will go and learn to meditate as well.Just incase. After all it cant hurt now can it? LOL It is good idea and may help reduce the pain because it sets off endorphins. I have been using my way of meditating and I know that it does some good so maybe if I learn the "proper" way it will be better. I also know it keeps me more balanced and as I work out the mess that is the baggage I am carrying it helps me cope better with current stuff. In fact I am more ok as I get more unwell. What a paradox.

So I do what I can each day and keep my smile up as much as possible.It is only him who is closest to me that actually sees how hard it is. The rest of the world doesnt know because to quote a lady I was talking to the other day "You dont look sick". In many ways I am grateful I do not but it makes coping hard sometimes.
I must admit that people can feel it at times though. I got onto the train the other afternoon to come home and there was no seats and I felt soooo washed out and a lovely young Thai boy got up for me. He felt my need to sit and that was so nice.I was kind of blown away by it actually. I guess I took my guard down and let the world see for a change.
So that is so far. In many ways so far so good. I am happy (in spite of the headache LOL )

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Day 33


My bracelet that I remade today so I can wear it.I had to wrap the stones again as when it was made they were not made securely enough.I am so glad to have it out of the drawer.

Here are a few days I didnt get posted


Day 28
What a busy morning already. Had to run out early because of class and had to get all sorted before. Another long day but it will be ok. Will hopefully work out about my visa today and so can sort that. Money will come as well I hope. My wages should be in the bank so can sort some money in my pocket. It seems to run out like water so will have to plug the leak or get another job. One way or another I will sort it all.
Ok off to rest a little before my mad dash through my day.
Talk later.
Love and hugs
Tanya


Day 31 (I think)
I am losing days and they run and blend into one another.I guess that is ok and I guess it will end soon. Not so sure I like the things that are coming up but have found I am reacting differently these days.
Had an instance of this today. I held the door open for a young lady to pass through, went to the bathroom and was coming back when I fell over. The same young lady was following me. She looked at me on the floor and hurried away. I AM NOT DRUNK. I am just unstable on my feet. Makes me alot scared to go out alone but have few choices there. Well I guess I have to just ignore others and get on with it all. It is harder than it sounds most days. Hurting is not fun. So onwards I go. A class in an hour or so and then home and back to bed. I didnt sleep much because it hurts to lie on my back or my sides for too long because the pressure on the lumpy parts hurts them, to lie on my back makes the shunt sites hurt and to lie on my belly hurts my neck. Will rest later and then begin again.
Its raining again as well. The storm was so loud last night and the pinging of the rain on a metal bowl downstairs was so annoying lol and then the sound of the sweeping the water away so the area didnt flood was loud as well. To top that all off I was upset because of something that happened and so it didnt make for a good rest. Oh well.
Ok off now.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

And today....
I slept until 11.30 after I cancelled my class. There was no way I was able to work today.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing, chatting and creating. I remade pieces of mine that have been sitting for years and am now able to wear them again and I made some new pieces for sale. Stunning bits that have been waiting and a few little bits of fun. I made the cutest mobile phone charm with a skull bead and it is really neat. It was good to feel the things flow. I think at last count I had finished about 6 new bracelets, 5 I remade, three rings, a necklace and I tidied up my beads. I am happy.
Feels good to have my things back again and I am happy I have made a hole in the mess so I can make new stuff now. All really really good. I look forward to the morning because I am going shopping to buy for the girls who have made orders with me. I have really missed my trips to China Town to shop. It feels like home to go back again.

Ok off to bed now.I am weary. Will talk more about the health stuff tomorrow. Cannot think anymore now.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day 27



I get to share my really cool pics with the world here.I am so lucky and have seen so many many things and done so many more I would not have if I had stayed locked in my little life in Australia. I love the places I go and the people I see (mostly) and I really love my job and my life. It is good. Better than ever before.
I am writing that because it must seem like all I do is complain. Well the purpose of my blog is to let out that stuff as well but I do need some balance and so am going to celebrate my days a little more. I do have very small wins but they are sometimes overlooked in the heavy pain stuff and I miss out sharing them. Time to change that.

I think of my friends often and wonder. I just dont give myself enough time to write or to do many of the other things I want to. I have a few projects I need to complete and yet the smallest task uses up so many spoons LOL. Guess I'll have to wash them, dry them and reuse them. Or better yet find a manufacturer that makes ones that last longer LOL.

So the news for today. I slept late as my head was screaming when I tried to get up. I am now having coffee and that has helped a little. After a few relatively good days to be hit by a ton on bricks again sucks. Anyway after that I have to go out and teach a private class for my lovely pregnant Japanese student. She also has a 19 month old girl who is adorable. Like a huge walking doll. Sooo cute.
After that I rush to my corporate gig. Oh need to find a song for that if I can. If not then we will be talking through conversations and discussions. All good.I have plenty of material prepared and I have new stuff coming soon too.
At 6.30pm I have a job interview. It is to talk about terms of an offer that was made about 9 months ago now that has been changed and changed and rehashed so many times. I am wary of accepting it but we need the money right now and I guess if I need to I can find the energy to teach an extra 10-15 hours in a week. I am able. I just need to plan my time better. Something I have not been so good at recently and havent really had to do much in the last few years. When I had children at home it was all like clockwork.
Ah gosh, just looked at the clock.Time to shower and run out the door.I will write more later or tomorrow but for now I am happy and kind of ok.
Still seeking answers and I am listening to hear as well.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 26



A flash of colour in the surrounds. A beautiful thing really and what I look for in my life.

Here is from yesterday. Again I was too tired to upload it or to write much after I got home.

I slept for more than 12 hours last night. I was exhausted for whatever reason. I woke feeling better and awake for a change and am now waiting for my student. She is late as usual but I will still get paid. If she doesnt show in half an hour I am going home. All good cause I get paid anyway.
What to do and how to do this? I am still searching for answers to my health. Do I just take more herbs and mushrooms and sleep when I need? Do I go back to Germany or Australia and risk giving up my life to rely on others who have let me down in the past? Still trying to work it out.
Love and Hugs to all

Tanya

Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 25


Little baby sea turtles from the conservation project managed by the Thai Navy.

I am here, almost. Put on half a patch last night as I was hurting. Spent most of the night awake or hallucinating. No real rest so I am shattered.
There has to be an answer and there has to be a way to do this. Now where can I find it?
I guess I just wait and save up and do the scan I need to have.
I rang and spoke to my mother yesterday. I finally realised that as important as my parents have been to me in this whole learning curve I dont need them anymore. I said "goodbye" and wont call her again. So many patterns that have popped up and I am seeing them finally.
So I am now asking? Is the headache a huge poke to wake me up? If so please hear me.....I am awake now.
Off to lie down. I feel like vomiting again.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Day 24


I want to get in and sail away LOL

Day 21
I havent followed my plan well. In the past fasting or diet was easier. I think my worry right now is that I wil do this, miss out and die anyway and so think "what is the point?".
I guess the point is quality.
Sleeping all day or not being able to do much is not living and I really dont enjoy the hurting. There has to be a balance somewhere. I am still looking even as I look for answers.
Off to teach a few hours. Its getting harder to do but is so worth the effort.
Love and hugs

Tanya

Day 23
I missed yesterday altogether. I didnt even open my computer to read email or to check anything. My head is getting harder to cope with and I pretend a LOT that I am ok. I need to to be able to go to work and teach. Please dont misunderstand. I LOVE my job and my students are the best group of people. It is the horrid head and the body pain that wont let up I struggle with.
I mentioned the lump over my shunt valve site and the tennis ball size one under my left arm already. Well I have lumps in my groin now as well and small ones coming up along the lymphatic lines in my arms and legs. Cancer springs to mind but I havent had the tests done yet.

I was cross with my partner yesterday. He has a tooth that has been having problems for months and I have been reminding him when it has been quiet he needs to have it taken out. Yesterday it blew up like a balloon on the side of his face because of infection. So we made a deal today. I go and have tumour markers done and he will get the tooth out. I do want to know but I also dont. I want to get this scan done as well but I dont. I am scared but not of dying. More so of hurting more than I do already and it is horrid to think it all might be easily solved if I had a little bit more money. Got to work on this.
I did sell a bundle of old jewelrry stock on Tuesday and got a couple of orders as well. I know I will sell a lot more next week as the ladies asked me for more pieces so will make up some bits and go from there. I might as well use my stones and stock instead of sitting on it all.

Ok time to teach again lol. The girls are excited about class and I am so honoured to be able to work with them.

Happy Birthday to my sister as well.

Love and Hugs to all

Tanya

Day 24
Yes I am really here this morning. Just. I went to bed early and so didnt do much after I came home. I have my Thai homework waiting for me and have to go to class very soon. Why am I stil going? This has become a good question. Except for the fact that I dont want to waste my fees that I spent I really have no pressing reason for learning anymore. So I will go back to having class one time a week and see if that is doable. Right now twice is not.
One of my students brought me a herb concoction to help my head. Lovely lady. It is supposed to help with detox and support but takes about a week to show results. I will see as I go. Right now I am going to try anything. Reminds me of those movies where people end up paying so much money to tricksters for cures that dont work. Could be the lesson in this one as I had an instance yesterday of throwing good money away after bad. Keeping my eyes open and listening carefully.

Ok have to go.I'll go and attempt this even though I am not prepared nor am really ok. I am teaching a private class today as well and then have to meet a friend who wants some help to buy stuff. At least that may be business and may be money for me. I know right now I am accepting all offers of money as I make the effort to save for this scan.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Day 20


A satellite dish is my way of beaming the questions I have into the heavens to ask for answers. Maybe the aliens out there will know better LOL


Some where along the way I lost a couple of days. I was sleeping.

My head was hurting so much so I took to bed. I did teach one class but dont remember it and so hope it was ok. I am sure I would have heard about it if it wasnt.
So why was the head so sore? I think it was what I ate. I had some wheat noodles which knocked me sideways and I had some tomatoes which didnt help either. I also had a little piece of chicken and a small piece of pork.
The rice I had with the fish seemed to be ok and had no serious effects that I noticed.

The problem I have now is it is a scary thing to eat because while I know a few bits that trigger the pain there are so many more unknowns that I will have to face as I go.

So what to do? Well I am not sure because I also have a lump the size of a tennis ball under my left arm in the lymph gland area. It is not sore and that is the scary part. If it hurt I could say it is an infection of some sort. No pain is not a good sign. I realized it was there when I developed a rash from it rubbing on my clothes.
I really do need to have this scan done as soon as possible so I can see what is happening. Well back to work to earn money to pay for it all.
I feel better today because of the sleep.I hope it lasts longer than a day or so and that I might be able to actually focus and maybe do some extra stuff to get funds in. There are only so many spoons in the day.

Off to shower and dress and out the door.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day 14,15 and 16




I wrote them even though I didnt up load them. Here they are as they were put together at the time.

Will write todays later.
Love and Hugs
Tanya


Day 14
Another day of teaching. Not many more now and I get a day at home. Yay!!!!!
I am wondering about all the obstacles though. Is the Universe testing me to see if I really am serious about it all and as a result things like bad traffic and having last minute changes to transport arrangements are going to stop soon. I love what I am doing. My students are learning confidence as well as English and the boss is so happy. As a result I am happy too. Now it is time for a 'win'.

I have decided I have to put some real food in my daily intake. The fruit has been great as are the veges but I am so so tired and know what I have been having is not enough. I think white fish and rice are on the menu for tonight's dinner. Both are easy to digest and low allergy foods so we will see what happens. If I was able to rest as needed I could just keep the kind of fast going but for now the pace is way too hectic.

So what are the results so far? Well the head feels the same if not worse but the body pain is much less and that helps as it means I cope better. It's less stressful and I can do more. I feel less tired in the mornings and wake more easily. Less fog and that helps a lot. I can start the day at least feeling a little fresher than I used to. Not dragging myself about.
My skin is good and I have lost some weight although that was not the objective. It is a nice side effect of it all as I was too fat. The nausea has settled a little as well.
For the down side.... My liver hurts as does the area under my stomach where my spleen would be and the swelling under my arm is growing. I am working as much as possible to save up for a PET scan. 65,000 baht for one whole body xray. It will be a definitive scan to show anything that is abnormal in size, shape and composition. I really want to do this to rule in or out as much as possible and to know what I am up against. One way or the other.

Ok class begins in 2 minutes. Will post again later.
Love and Hugs to all.

Tanya

Day 15
Passed by in a blur of pain. My head was so bad. I had had some noodles for dinner the night before and I think this set the head off. I did go and teach but didnt upload anything. In fact I didnt even look at a computer.


Day 16
The head is still bad and I am not coping well with the increased pain. Makes me kind of scared to eat anything now. I have cancelled my Thai class for tomorrow so will sleep and rest more then but today is a set of four hours of classes and then home to rest again. I am almost at the point of needing a pain patch but last night I was so itchy and the nausea is back as well with a vengance so I am a little worried about my liver function. Not a good idea to stress that organ even more. Will see what gives. If the rest helps enough and I put back in the mushrooms in a larger dose maybe this will work. I am out of answers, the only one I really have is 'dont eat' and then my head doesnt hurt as much. Ok back to the drawing board. Will have to meditate on it again.

Love and hugs

Tanya

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day 13


A little loveliness in the day.


Again I am out the door for classes and another long day on the horizon. Kind of sucks when all you seem to do is run and run and still cant cover the bills that need to be paid. There has to be a better way to do this. I may have answers but they come slowly in between all the other stuff and need foundations as well.
Food today so far has been a cup of black coffee and half a small pineapple,herbs and a little water. Not enough. When I run about I seem to drink less. Seems to be because I cant find a bathroom easily. Got to stop this.

Yesterday flashbacks began again. All those times that have such negative energies are popping into my head and the feelings that go with them are so horrid. It's hard enough at times to cope with current messes let alone ones that are from history and whilst the current ones mainly involve verbal stuff that I am more able to deal with, the memories of being physically hurt are much harder because they feel real even though they are not happening now. When does that ever go away? Or do I have to change th energy on it all so it stops hurting.
In many ways I feel it is a sort of detox. Getting negatives out and so it is kind of ok but when it grabs you whilst you are trying to focus on teaching, or on the train in public and you cannot be seen to react it is a challenge. It will sort itself as soon as I work out why it has surfaced. Just have to have the time to address it. I'm looking forward to a day off on Saturday.
Ok time to begin my teaching day.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya


Gosh what a day!!!!!! Classes have been ok and time has flown but I was on the bus and the person next to me wanted to take up the whole seat so I was perched on the outside edge of the chair. Not a big deal really. When she went to get off the bus it got worse. I noticed her getting ready to get off so I was preparing to stand so she could get past me. As I stood she shoved me from behind with her elbow in my back and sent me flying across the bus aisle. No 'excuse me please or so sorry' in any language.
I was so upset I very loudly told her to at least excuse herself first. Yes I was speaking her language and she understood and so did all the rest of the people on the bus.

I know as a so called 'rich foreigner' I am not so welcome by the less wealthy people in this country. I also know I am not so welcome on the buses because why am I taking up a seat on the bus? when I could go by taxi. Having said that I am always polite and I stand when I am able. I give my seat to older people and those less able even when my head is screaming and I can hardly stand myself. This basic courtesy is not often returned and many times I have wished I had a huge visual defect so people could see I am not well.Oh and I pay my fare just the same as others as well.
It is hard to be 'just' a foreigner with 'just' a headache.

Go to go. Another class is set to begin.

Love and Hugs to all.

Tanya

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Days 11 and 12



What happened to Saturday?

I woke late because I was so tired and rushed off to class. I left the house at 11am and came back home at 9.45pm. I taught only 5 hours. The rest was travelling or meetings. So tired.
I did drink more water and had a cup of coffee. Food was some fruit about 3pm and then some salad veges at nearly 10pm after getting home.
After thinking about it all long and hard and doing a lot of mental gymnastics to try and work out how I can stretch my money (mostly unsuccessfully) I have decided to take time off teaching at least one of my jobs starting 24th. I also cut the hours back in the next two weeks. I cannot sustain the pace I have been running at and still heal effectively. I can then rest a little more or at least have some time at home for me. I need it. I miss my little room.

So today is day 12 and it is just before 8am and I am on my way to teach again. Class from 9.30 to 11 and then 11.30 to 1.30 and then home. I will try and find something to eat in my short break and I will make sure I drink enough water. Stupid really but all the pennies are needed right now.
Very tired though. I'm doing more now when not eating than when I was following a more regular diet. Doesn't seem to make sense. I guess the balance was taken away in one area and it has set the whole lot off centre. Got to settle it.
Ok nearly time to get off the train. Will post this when I get home and have internet.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Day 10



This pic kind of describes it all. It is common here for pedestrian crossings to end in a garden or to have an obstacle one the other side.
I woke feeling very sore. Too much in each day. I hope it is just post exercise soreness that will go away.

Ok so maybe I am not getting enough food. I am no longer hungry and I am trying very hard to get over that lovely feeling of wanting to vomit all the time. I have tried the ginger and it doesnt work right now and so I guess it will be just time. I will try to eat a bit more today. Last night before I crashed into bed I ate steamed veges with lemon juice and some fruit so I did ear a lot more than usual.

Today has just begun but it is set to be busy again with Thai class at 8am til 10 and then teaching at 1.30 til 3 and then again from 7 til 9. He might cancel as he has been doing that a lot of late but he may not. I wont know until much later which way it will go. The weekend is also full on with appointments and classes and then back to the week on Monday. Wednesday will be my next day with a kind of break. I am giving up one job in about 2 weeks so I will have more time for me. I think I am going to need it although I will miss the money.

Ok off to start the day. I have a coffee here and so will go and sit and watch the day for a few minutes before I press my clothes to go out the door.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 9



Days have been flying past so fast with long days and rushing between places. So fast.
Its ok in some ways because it means maybe I will be more well faster or at least know sooner. Too tired some days to do more than fall into bed.
Teaching is so much fun and my students are so so lovely. I had forgotten how great a corporate class can be and how rewarding. Sooo glad to be doing it as it helps me to manage a lot better than if I was sitting at home in pain. It gets me up and moving and out of the house.

Food.....a little salad at lunch and 30 grams of sultanas as well as lots of water, mushroom water and a cup of coffee. Herbs and some B vitamins because my mouth had cracked. I just cant face food right now as the nausea is always there and not fun.

My body hurts a lot less and yesterday I must have had a detox because I smelt like plastic and chemicals. It was awful but has passed today. Guess something has gone now.

One more hour and I can go home. This is one of the last classes with this little girl. I do enjoy teaching her but she doesnt want to learn because she wants to play so it is a challenge.

Ok better go.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day 8



Just a little still life pic that we used in an art class for a drawing exercise. All the fruits are real and here they are very delicious. Which is great because it is mainly what I have been living on of late. Veges are harder to prepare or to buy when I am out so fruit is great.

I am home now from Thai class. What a challenge that was. I am kind of fluent in my speech but today was hammered by my Thai teacher about my pronunciation. And I also learnt some words I have been hearing for such a long time and now know what they mean. What a shock it all is but it is also a great start as I will be able to relate to my Thai students just that much better. I can understand the reluctance to talk in class now when you are told " you're wrong" but no positive feedback is given. We will overcome this in my space as well as theirs.

And so confidence will be built and hopefully spread through all the areas of life. Mine too.

It was hard to get out of bed today as I have been working so much and travelling so much in between and it takes its toll when you have very little food on board and very little energy. I did get to class almost on time and it was ok. I will have to leave a little earlier on Friday so I am not late again.

Food......Mushroom water, herbs and a pineapple today so far. I will drink some more water as I go because I know I am not drinking enough and that is needed to remove the toxins. Hopefully I will have time to make veges before I head off to work but have to prepare a little for class.
We made a text book but today I want to use some phonics and a song as well as some fun listening and speaking exercises so need to get the handouts ready that I will include in the book next time.

Extra exercise these days is mainly walking up and down stairs that I would have taken an escalator for. I also walk a little further than the bus stop as well and there are times that this is really really hard but it has to be done. I dont have much time for other stuff as teaching takes time (I travel about the same number of hours as actual teaching which is kind of stupid) and I am now working on a couple of other projects that will hopefully pay off soon. Too much for right now but have to begin or else it wont fly.

Pain levels are still high. The head still randomly smashes me to the floor and whilst the back, shoulders and neck hurt less I am not sure why. I am having more problems with numbness and would like that to go away so I am able to be more comfortable. Oh well. Got to keep trying.

Ok off to prep documents.

Will see if I can fit in more later.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 7,later




I seem to be a day late now in posting but I am writing it all in the day for which the time fits.
Here is Day 7 (I know on day 8 but it is valid) and I will make day 8 soon.

Ok so I started this earlier and now am waiting for my first class of the day to begin. Is this a good time to tackle that elephant? Before a fun time getting people to gain some confidence to talk in a language they have been told they suck at? I am going to try.
Last night after I finally made it up the stairs I got undressed to take a shower. As part of all this rearranging and changing and addressing myself I have had to be as honest at possible with me. At times times this is hard as everyone knows, because some of these things have been around for a very very long time.
So I had stripped off and happened to take a few minutes to look at me in the mirror. Yes this is not such an attractive sight and is something I usually avoid and so it was confronting for that reason alone. The elephant showed up then.
I have many scars from so many surgeries and the latest ones were done last year in Germany when I had the Lumbo-Peritoneal shunt and valve put in place. I was looking at where the valve is sited because it has been kind of sore and itchy of late. I have a large bulge above the scar. It was not there a few days ago.
What is it? Now this is a good question because unless I go to the hospital and have x-rays etc I cannot say. It does hurt and it is not comfortable to move.

I can hear you. "Tanya, go to the Drs". I have no money and no insurance and so this is not an option. The elephant will remain in the room.

Ok it has been addressed and I am now mid-class and having a good time (not so sure about my lovely students. They remind me of scared rabbits).

Will hopefully post more later.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day 7



There is an elephant in the room. It showed up last night. At this point I am not able to talk about it as it will crush me. I am off to teach very soon and so this is a quick note.
The elephant goes with me.I hope that it stays quiet and behaves today.
Herbs,a quick coffee and mushrooms are to go.
I dont think I can face food but have some sultanas in my bag for the day.Not much but enough. Some sachets of Chinese Herbal tea as well to keep the fluids up.It is colder today so less water out I think.
Time to shower.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 6


The train in Nong Khai. Well afterall it is a journey.

I hurt less in my body. I can move more freely and this has made such a huge difference to my overall well being and feeling. My head still hurts at the same level and it comes in waves even more than before. I am hoping it will begin to settle soon.
I woke early. My work schedule has just become a kind of nightmare but I signed up for it so I am not complaining. Just trying to juggle minutes to make sure I am not late anywhere. Right now I am early to my 10am class so have a few minutes to tap this out and upload it later. Class finishes at 11.40 and then I am off to Thong Lor for the next one between 12.30 and 2pm.I guess I will get there early ands that is ok be cause today I have a new business class at 3pm and need to be on time to find the room etc. Then home I hope and a rest before tackling home stuff and mails etc. I need to get a new internet Sim so I can do this all online and remote.

Food today: water 1 glass so far, 1 cup of black coffee,herbs and half a small pineapple. Food is not high on the agenda these days because the nausea is bad and so I tend not to want to eat even if I am hungry. Last night I had salad as well as some steamed veges. The chilli and garlic I had was hot hot hot,LOL but it was good. The peppercorns were great as they have helped stop the spasms in my belly and the runs have stopped as well. A good thing.

I have put some electrolytes on the menu as well. Fluid replacement. It is so hot and I sweat a lot (this is a really good sign because toxins come out that way as well) and so to keep the balance I felt it was wise to add the electrolytes. Part of the reason for choosing pineapples to eat as well is for the potassium. I have had an odd squeezing feeling just under my breast bone when ever I walk fast,up the stairs or sometimes even when I get up too fast. It takes my breath away and takes me minutes to get my head feeling ok. Dizzy comes with it too so I am guessing it is a circulation thing. Dont need to pass out lol.

Ok time to go. I have rambled enough for now. Just a load of musings.

Love and Hugs to all.
Tanya

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day 5


It's Sunday and not a day of rest.I am up and about and checked mails and then I will shower and dress and off to class about 10am.By the time I get home at 3pm (yes it is only a 2 hours class) I will be tired.I know this already.
Coffee in already and will attempt some herbs and mushies today.I have a bad headache but my body pain overall is less.Its a good thing.Got to be grateful for the small parts so that the big bits mean something too.

The pic I have here is from soooooo long ago.When I was full of life and newness in the world.A lot has happened since then and I really would love to have all that energy and strength back.Youth is so wasted on the young.My thought for today has to be "Life is too short to carry crap". And so I am offloading a lot that I have clasped so very tightly to myself.

Ok off to find those lovely mushrooms and herbs and out.

Will post more later

Love and hugs to all
Tanya

Day 4

Today started late and I was rushed from the beginning.A crap timetable that lead to me being late home,hence the late post.
Food today was a small pineapple,a couple of rose apples, which are kind of like Nashi pears but not really, and a guava.
Not enough water really and I felt it and I left off the mushrooms today because they made my tummy really runny for a couple of days.Will start them again tomorrow.
No herbs for the same reason and no time for yoga as I slept instead.They say sleep is a great healer.

No pic today as I havent the energy to find one.

And it is day 4 so its only 38 more to go.My biggest fear is that I will do all this and then my head will kill me anyway.Kind of SUCKS.

Off to bed now.I am too tired to think and I am back in class at 11.30 in the morning (yes on a Sunday) and it takes me 90 minutes to get there for a 2 hour class and then 90 minutes back again.Kind of stupid really for me but right now I am collecting pennies.

This has to be rock bottom and the only way to go is up from here.At least that is my prayer.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Friday, June 3, 2011

Day 3

We started with a huge storm that began at 2am.I was woken by the sound of the rain on the tin roofs next door and to my tummy. What fun. I had spent part of the evening yesterday running back and to to the bathroom so I guess the wake up was not unexpected. Another three trips to the smallest room in the house before I was able to settle again without the feeling of "OMG" pain in the belly.

I think it was detox and the diet change as well as the herbs and mushrooms all at once. Day 2 of any new program is always the worst.

I got up at 6am.

Why?

Well I wanted to see if I could for a start as I will need to next week when I start Thai lessons. They begin at 8am on Wednesday and Friday so I will have to be out of the house at 7 to get there on time. I did that booking deliberately so I would get up and use my day. I have spent too much time in bed in the last year.

I sat checked emails while I woke up properly and then washed the dishes I didnt do yesterday,swept the floor and finally got out the iron and pressed the clothes that had been waiting for weeks. I havent ironed anything for a very very long time but it is like riding a bicycle. You dont forget how. LOL

Ok so time still left in my morning before I go to class. Yoga mat out and a little yoga done. A short rest with meditation and then shower, dress and out the door. Class began at 10am.

Class was lovely with a young Japanese man who wanted to learn conversation. 2 hours flew by and now I am waiting to start my next class and then home for a few hours before an 8pm class. Today's schedule is crappy.

How do I feel? Tired and sore but not so sore as other mornings. Did getting out of bed early mean my body is going to be less sore? I will have to test this as well. Will keep it in mind as I document this all.

Yesterday nausea was very bad so I only ate a few pieces of mango, a very small portion of steamed veges (left overs from the day before) and I had 3 purple dragon fruit. Lots of water, 1 litre mushrooms, herbs twice because the belly was not happy and that is about it. I wasnt hungry because I felt so sick. I didnt even have a coffee. Wow at that one because I have been kind of living on it to reduce pain.

Todays food so far has been a small pineapple, a cup of coffee, two glasses mushrooms, herbs and water. I am having a guava for lunch. They are filling and fibre and taste ok.

My head still hurts and now I am also stressed about work and my visa and what next there. Children...... Now that is another issue that has invaded my head and then there is lack of money as well. Just the usual daily stuff.


Am I happy?

I can say in many ways I am. Now that my body is no longer literally "full of shit" maybe I can have the same effect in other areas of my life as well. I am working on it stepwise. Looking at all angles to make sure they all function together and improve as I get better. That is the goal right now.

Oh and a quick aside. The Artfire store on my page here belongs to my friend. It was a small thing I could do to help out. Please contact him if you need anything special.

Ok class soon. Hope you enjoyed the rain in my pic as much as I enjoyed hearing it.

Love and Hugs to all

Tanya

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day 2

Purple inspiration for the day.

I had a hard time getting up today.It was 9.30 before I crawled out of bed and put on my mushrooms for today and made coffee.I have been sitting trying to get my eyes to focus properly while I try and read emails.Fortunately these days there are not so many to check.

Head aches,body hurts.All the extra little bits I did yesterday have taken their toll. Oh well need to just do it again.

So today I am going to do the washing and then I will try and tackle sorting my photos and getting my book completed for the classes I am beginning next week.It has to go to the printer to be copied yet and that will take two days so I am kind of rushed.Doesnt help that I had to learn all the software usage as well.

Today I have had my herbs for the first dose,some water and some mushroom water from yesterday that was left over and a cup of black coffee.That magic brew has made it bearable to move.

Oh and I really want to get out my yoga mat.I can see me not being able to do much tomorrow if I do but I have appointments and that will make it so I have to get up.
I signed up for Thai classes starting next week as well.I have 30 hours up my sleeve and have text material I bought about a year ago so will use them both and get something for my money.
That will get me out of bed as well.Its a good thing really.
Ok I am off now.
Love and hugs to all
Tanya

End Day 1

Tiger eye with Blue, Red and Gold.My inspiration stone for the day.Grounding and yet the mixed colours added a extra sunrise to my day. They really are pretty and feel so lovely.


Ok so today went.... well.I feel ok.I am still sore but have a clearer mind and can think a little more.Not so tired.

What did I have to eat today?
Mushroom water: 1 litre
1 large guava
1/3 small pineapple
about 2 litres of water
Steamed veges which included garlic,chilli,carrot,leek, wong buck (Chinese Cabbage),black peppercorns and Kale dressed with a little lemon juice and water.No salt, no oil.
Thai herbs x 3 doses.
Oh and I had a cup of black coffee as well.

I moved a little more as well.I went to lunch with friends and so walked up a few more stairs than usual and down a few more stairs than usual and then came home and rested a while.No class today as they cancelled.All good.

What made the difference? I think the Ling Xhi mushrooms.We will see. I am going to keep up with them as I really dont need to fall back down again.I like the clearer head even though I still hurt at the same level.On a pain scale of 1-10 today was a 9 1/2 day.They havent been much worse than now.

I have been doing so much thinking about all this and so it is nice to have it started.I am also planning on having a PET scan ASAP to see if there is something we can see.Either just in the head or elsewhere as well.I'll let you know.Funding may happen.......

Will go to bed soon (it is now 8.50pm and I feel weary) and rest and try to get up early so I can do some work on the computer before I go out.Oh actually I dont have to go out tomorrow.No class again.
So for now good night.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Day 1

My name is Tanya

I have a Headache.

Not just an ordinary headache.The kind that hurts your head,your neck,your arms, your back. The kind that spasms and makes you want to drop to the ground screaming in pain.The kind that wakes you in the middle of the night crying because it hurts too much.The kind that is there all the time and saps the joy from almost everything that you do.The kind of headache that makes you want to stay in bed all day but not because you dont enjoy life and not because you are depressed, but because it hurts way to much to move.It also hurts not to.

The Headache....yes with a capital H.I have lived with a headache all my life.Sometimes it has been worse than others.Sometimes I could get on with it all and just pretend.Sometimes I took to my bed for 2 or 3 days and slept.Overall I was ok.
About 6 years ago it started to get worse.So I began a journey with the Medical community to try and get some answers.I say "try" because I have gotten more questions that answers along the way.I have had 29 Lumbar Punctures (spinal taps),6 operations for shunts and many many scans,x-rays and MRI's.I was told I have Intracranial Hypertension and have been treated for it with what feels to me was with no success.I still have a headache that is getting worse and I am now being told "we dont know".
My CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) has always had an abnormally large protein measure,I have had several times when mononuclear cells were found and now I have an MRI that shows an abnormal signal on the frontal lobes. Still no one wants to do the blood work to rule about that "C " word........Cancer, even though the pictures show an abnormality that has been diagnosed as a growth. Why? Good question....next......

So I am left wondering.What next?
I am a Medical Scientist by education.I studied in Australia and have a BSc (Medical Science).There has to be answers but they are not being found.

I have done what I can medically.It is time for a new approach because that is obviously not working.

Day 1
Today I begin an alternate regime.
No protein, no starches, no fats, no alcohol,no salt,no added sugar,no dairy.
Lots of water,fresh or lightly steamed veges and fresh or air dried fruit.A crushed garlic clove with a chopped up chilli each day.A little coffee when in really bad pain as it helps.ONLY this as far as "food" goes.
Add in Thai herbs for the Liver and Kidneys and Ling Xhi (Reishi) mushrooms for the immune system and over all well being and that will be my "diet".Can do.

I am going to move my body a bit more as well.Yoga when I can move better (and I hope it will happen,I am going to begin stretching a bit first and see what happens.Hopefully not increased pain), walking a little more, taking the stairs (down at least to start ) at the railway station and some meditative breathing to get the oxygen moving in a lot more.

Why the "diet"?
I did some research into fasting with juices.Rudolph Bruess is a German Dr who used it successfully with many patients.The idea is that the removal of protein from the daily intake will starve out the cancer if there is one. 42 days is the recommended time span. Yes, 6 weeks. I would fast as this is not difficult for me but my work commitments make it impossible to rest as I would need to especially in the last 3 weeks or so and so I have chosen a gentler option in line with the idea of the fast. That way I may not have to rest so much and can still function.I have to go to work no matter.Someone has to pay the bills.

The garlic and chilli mix is to stimulate the endorphins which help with pain as well as increasing immune function.A "hot" option but do able.

So why not just pain meds? Well I am allergic to most and those I can use are very heavy and addictive and make me feel so sick but dont take the pain away either. Not really a good option.

I am writing this (and will write at least once a day) because I need to do this for me.I need to be able to put down about what is happening.Positive and negative changes,mood swings,body function changes. Maybe it will help others and maybe no one else will ever read this.That is ok too.It really will be for me.

I am not depressed and I am not imagining this.I am not making it all up for attention and my pain is NOT psychosomatic. This is a real something. I have times when I laugh and have fun and I know that my life is good.I have a supportive partner and a great job with amazing students that I meet with and I love what I do.I have a great hobby and like to do the things I do each day.I just have a headache.

Mushrooms are on and cooking for todays' dose,I have had my herbs for the morning (taken 3 times a day) I have had some water and will have a lot more, I am out of bed (which was a huge struggle today) and I am going to go and shower now and go to meet a friend for lunch.Life really does go on. (And Yes I am "sucking it up" as I have been told by many).
I'll let you know how it all goes

Light and Love to all
Tanya