Day34,35 and 36

Palantina In South West Germany


Day 34
Back teaching. I am happy to be here and it is fun.

My body hurts. The back where my shunt is sited hurts so much to move and my liver is very very sore. Dont know why because I havent done anything to it. Not hungry as well. Oh well I guess something is progressing. The lumps under my arms and the big one I have in my belly are hard now as well. Still not sore which is kind of a blessing but they are big and getting bigger. I think my lump is pregnant LOL

So what next? Guess I am going to go and do my bloodwork and go from there. When is the question as I dont have free time until Friday. It can wait a few days I think. It has been waiting long enough.

On a more personal note...... I am officially letting go of my children. They are able to call or email me to ask for money and gifts but not to let me know they are travelling the globe or to update me on their career choices even when I am the one making the effort to catch up with them. So as they are independant young people who are capable and able I am walking away. I have done what I need to and am now free of that obligation. I still love them no end but am no longer going to run around after them. So Be It.
I feel better already.
Ok time to teach.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Day 35
No writing today.I didnt take the time to do it. Tomorrow is already here so will write for day 36.


Day 36
I woke feeling really really crappy. We went last night to the Korean Barbeque place for dinner because it was a year ago yesterday I went to Germany and it was a pretty significant event.
I also went and had bloodwork done and will get the results next week. I had to talk the Dr into doing the tests because he didnt want to do them. He said he didnt think they were necessary and tried to fob me off to a new hospital to go and wait somewhere else. Now in this country the reason Drs give you is not always true and it is quite ok for them to send you away without treating you if you are ill. It is part of this culture here of not wanting to give bad news.
So he poked my lumps and bumps, told me that the ones on the outer parts of my body were possibly Lipomas and nothing to worry about and so I went on to show him the new cherry angiomas that are popping up along the lymph lines and the lump under my arm. Well first he said the lump wasnt there but checked a second time and tells me it is only small and not important. LOL the thing is the size of a tennis ball or larger and now has friends in the area that are easy to palpate.
It was only after the under my arm thing, that he agreed to take my blood. So while he is drawing blood he is giving me a prescription to go and learn to meditate. LOL Apparently this whole pain thing is from past life Karma and I need to clear it and then will have a "miracle" cure from all my pain etc. Now dont get me wrong...I do agree on some points but I also know that you have to know what you are fighting so you are not shadow boxing. I will get the results next week. Will keep you all posted.

I will go and learn to meditate as well.Just incase. After all it cant hurt now can it? LOL It is good idea and may help reduce the pain because it sets off endorphins. I have been using my way of meditating and I know that it does some good so maybe if I learn the "proper" way it will be better. I also know it keeps me more balanced and as I work out the mess that is the baggage I am carrying it helps me cope better with current stuff. In fact I am more ok as I get more unwell. What a paradox.

So I do what I can each day and keep my smile up as much as possible.It is only him who is closest to me that actually sees how hard it is. The rest of the world doesnt know because to quote a lady I was talking to the other day "You dont look sick". In many ways I am grateful I do not but it makes coping hard sometimes.
I must admit that people can feel it at times though. I got onto the train the other afternoon to come home and there was no seats and I felt soooo washed out and a lovely young Thai boy got up for me. He felt my need to sit and that was so nice.I was kind of blown away by it actually. I guess I took my guard down and let the world see for a change.
So that is so far. In many ways so far so good. I am happy (in spite of the headache LOL )

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya