Day 56

A morning with such lovely colour.

I woke today late. I have been having difficulty getting to bed before midnight as I get so caught up in my projects.
I am so over the whole online thing and am finding it hard to get back into the things I need to do online. Like checking mails and reading up on things I know I need to do. I also have to make certificates for my students and an assessment thing to give to HR.What fun. I just dont want to sit at the computer.I think some of that is because I spent so much time before online only to be so ripped apart by those who decided I wasnt doing what they wanted. Takees a lot to be able to write this. It hurts.Yes I know that I dont have to accept anything that others say and as long as I am doing a good job it is none of my business what anyone else thinks about me BUT having said that I am still human and it hurts.
So I will go back to my bench and my teaching and transform all the negatives into beautifuls and then go forward from there. You should see the change in colour of the sapphires I was working with. They went from being a muddy blue to bright and popping colour. So lovely now.All that love and care inside LOL

Ok I am off
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 52

A classic Thai House. Somewhere I would love to live with all the wood and trees.

So day 52 has all but ended. I am still so far behind and I am also wondering what the?????
I feel like crap because I seem to have a cold but no runny nose or anything. Just a swollen face and a sore throat. The face doesnt hurt and no signs of infection so I am very confused on this one. Have huge pressure in the ear and on the eye as well but no pain. I guess that is a good thing in many ways.

My headache still has no answers and no cause that can be pin pointed and so I am still looking. I am looking in all sorts of directions including......What if this really is all in my imagination? What do I get out of this and what is the benefit of being very sick? So far I cannot answer any of these.

Ok off to complete an order that I didnt do yesterday and to complete a set I started on the weekend. I love the set but I dont want to complete it for whatever reason.Oh well it cant sit on the bench permanently so I will complete it.
I will also spend some more time in the next day or so and make some piece to go out for Gabby ( I think that is how you spell her name) She is 5 and has a brain cancer and whilst I promised beads I think I can make some pretties myself to go as well.

Ok off now.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 49

A whole week has passed. It was a haze of pain and rushing to meet commitments for work and then there was public holidays for the Buddhist calendar and, well a new week has begin and I am here.

I have had time to sit and make some things.Will post pics when I make some. It feels so good to be a bit creative again and I am letting my mind roam as I go.
Today I am contemplating the markers of success and how we measure ourselves. I guess the question for me is Am I successful?
Well by my fathers measure I will never be good enough no matter what I do, say or who I know so I am throwing that measuring stick away. I know I am good enough in so many ways and I am looking at other areas because I really want to leave a decent legacy.

So in the standards of finance I am not successful. I have no savings and no money really and I have no assets to speak of. If I was dead then my children will inherit but only because I took measures to make sure they were provided for. This doesnt make me financially successful though.

In my work? Well I know the contributions I have made to my students will ripple through so in many ways this is a good indicator of success. However, I didnt really use my education and I havent really given the bulk part of what I know to anyone and no one else can use it. The jury is still out on this point.

In my love life? HUGE fail there. Messed up every romantic relationship I have ever had and whilst I have a stable relationship currently I know my being unwell is taking its toll.

Health wise? HUGE fail there. No success for health. No matter how hard I try it seems to just get worse. Guess genes can be blamed for some but then I dont know.

My family and children? No idea. They dont talk to me really and I will stay away because I dont want to interupt. Guess that is not successful either.

So I have a couple of wins but more losses in the arena of success than I want to admit. It is an interesting exercise because if I look objectively as possible overall my life is ok. I am improving as I go and have learnt a lot from my past. I am not in a hurry to remake it nor am I wanting to rebuild structures that have failed me in the past. Forward I go.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 41

A balloon Princess from Chinese New Year.

I just realised that Sunday passed and I didnt blog. I guess the day was filled with little glass beads and lots of fishing line and all sorts of other creative goodies and I missed it passing so fast. It was a very industrious day and I completed all the small orders I had so I can now take them with me on Tuesday.
I havent felt like eating at all. I am drinking enough water and enough mushrooms and I am making sure I have electrolytes often. It is so hot and I am now sweating again which is a good sign.
The nausea is a constant companion these days and I am not enjoying it and last week was not fun as my head and other parts of my body were so so sore. Friday I slept 15 hours straight and that seems to have put paid to my sleeping. I am not able to sleep even if I am tired and so do lie down to rest and at least take the pressure off from being upright. I do miss sleep though. It is fun LOL.We will see what this week brings.
Today I am off to a new school to try and sort a student visa and to work out what next. I have a little time and that is all good. We are thinking carefully about the next options and where we are headed. It is an interesting time in the Chinese sense of the word but I am hoping it doesnt get too much more interesting as I have all I can handle right now.

I have been addressing long standing issues and putting them to bed. It is important for me that I let this go. I do not need to drag it with me. Now that I have sent out the required emails and the explanations I can and will let it all go. It is not my problem any longer and I am ok with that. It was time. As I have been doing this I have been getting flashes of insight into what next and where to go forward. Makes it easier to move emotionally even when I cant move much physically.

Ok off to shower and out the door.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Days 38 and 39

I was sick yesterday. So very unwell with fever and chills and so went to bed. I had spent half the day at Immigration getting an extension for my visa and then went to buy groceries. Came home and crashed and slept for about 16 hours.
Today (which is technically day 39) started with me feeling kind of ok. I got up, did the washing by hand and then pottered about and threw out a load of rubbish while I looked for some important papers.
I was happy to find them and then went to the DTAC shop to once again register a complaint about the lack of a package on my internet account when I had paid for one. I had a win there finally and they have given me a refund and the package deal as it was stated when I bought my Sim card.
I also went and did a little shopping and bought new tools. That was fun. A lot like being in a candy store LOL.
Came home, had a rest, put the duck on for dinner and sat and made an order. Well I tried. The tiger tail was cut too short so I had to restring it again. Oh well will finish it tomorrow. I love my new toys.

The photo above is me and my sisters and my brother when we were young. Oh if I could just talk to Tanya from then and let her into some insights. Things like "make sure you wear your sunscreen" ALL the time, and "Be nice to you because no one else really will until you are" and " dont rush, take your time and enjoy every moment because they are used up way too fast". Just a few pointers. Things I have told my children but that have fallen on deaf ears and I know when they are remembered it will be too late. I guess that is the Blessing of kids. Got to love them anyways.

Ok I am off for now. It is time to rest as it is getting late.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 37

It's a cleaning sort of day. Got up did the dishes, swept the floor and then sat and finished a couple of pieces before I run out the door.

I am so over this. I have had enough of mess and untidiness and disorder. So I guess I have to do it myself. There really is no other choice in this.
I am also working out what next as far as my pain levels. Still too sore to move much and getting up and down hurts. Got to still do though.
I am also working out a visa thing and about work. I am almost at the point where I am prepared to give it all away, pack up and go back to Australia. Almost but not yet. That would mean no lifestyle at all and would be a total defeat. So I hold on for now.

Ok off to shower, dress and get out the door. My taxi will be here soon and I have to be ready on time today. I was late on Tuesday and he had to wait. Not really a good thing.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day34,35 and 36

Palantina In South West Germany


Day 34
Back teaching. I am happy to be here and it is fun.

My body hurts. The back where my shunt is sited hurts so much to move and my liver is very very sore. Dont know why because I havent done anything to it. Not hungry as well. Oh well I guess something is progressing. The lumps under my arms and the big one I have in my belly are hard now as well. Still not sore which is kind of a blessing but they are big and getting bigger. I think my lump is pregnant LOL

So what next? Guess I am going to go and do my bloodwork and go from there. When is the question as I dont have free time until Friday. It can wait a few days I think. It has been waiting long enough.

On a more personal note...... I am officially letting go of my children. They are able to call or email me to ask for money and gifts but not to let me know they are travelling the globe or to update me on their career choices even when I am the one making the effort to catch up with them. So as they are independant young people who are capable and able I am walking away. I have done what I need to and am now free of that obligation. I still love them no end but am no longer going to run around after them. So Be It.
I feel better already.
Ok time to teach.

Love and Hugs
Tanya

Day 35
No writing today.I didnt take the time to do it. Tomorrow is already here so will write for day 36.


Day 36
I woke feeling really really crappy. We went last night to the Korean Barbeque place for dinner because it was a year ago yesterday I went to Germany and it was a pretty significant event.
I also went and had bloodwork done and will get the results next week. I had to talk the Dr into doing the tests because he didnt want to do them. He said he didnt think they were necessary and tried to fob me off to a new hospital to go and wait somewhere else. Now in this country the reason Drs give you is not always true and it is quite ok for them to send you away without treating you if you are ill. It is part of this culture here of not wanting to give bad news.
So he poked my lumps and bumps, told me that the ones on the outer parts of my body were possibly Lipomas and nothing to worry about and so I went on to show him the new cherry angiomas that are popping up along the lymph lines and the lump under my arm. Well first he said the lump wasnt there but checked a second time and tells me it is only small and not important. LOL the thing is the size of a tennis ball or larger and now has friends in the area that are easy to palpate.
It was only after the under my arm thing, that he agreed to take my blood. So while he is drawing blood he is giving me a prescription to go and learn to meditate. LOL Apparently this whole pain thing is from past life Karma and I need to clear it and then will have a "miracle" cure from all my pain etc. Now dont get me wrong...I do agree on some points but I also know that you have to know what you are fighting so you are not shadow boxing. I will get the results next week. Will keep you all posted.

I will go and learn to meditate as well.Just incase. After all it cant hurt now can it? LOL It is good idea and may help reduce the pain because it sets off endorphins. I have been using my way of meditating and I know that it does some good so maybe if I learn the "proper" way it will be better. I also know it keeps me more balanced and as I work out the mess that is the baggage I am carrying it helps me cope better with current stuff. In fact I am more ok as I get more unwell. What a paradox.

So I do what I can each day and keep my smile up as much as possible.It is only him who is closest to me that actually sees how hard it is. The rest of the world doesnt know because to quote a lady I was talking to the other day "You dont look sick". In many ways I am grateful I do not but it makes coping hard sometimes.
I must admit that people can feel it at times though. I got onto the train the other afternoon to come home and there was no seats and I felt soooo washed out and a lovely young Thai boy got up for me. He felt my need to sit and that was so nice.I was kind of blown away by it actually. I guess I took my guard down and let the world see for a change.
So that is so far. In many ways so far so good. I am happy (in spite of the headache LOL )

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 33

My bracelet that I remade today so I can wear it.I had to wrap the stones again as when it was made they were not made securely enough.I am so glad to have it out of the drawer.

Here are a few days I didnt get posted


Day 28
What a busy morning already. Had to run out early because of class and had to get all sorted before. Another long day but it will be ok. Will hopefully work out about my visa today and so can sort that. Money will come as well I hope. My wages should be in the bank so can sort some money in my pocket. It seems to run out like water so will have to plug the leak or get another job. One way or another I will sort it all.
Ok off to rest a little before my mad dash through my day.
Talk later.
Love and hugs
Tanya


Day 31 (I think)
I am losing days and they run and blend into one another.I guess that is ok and I guess it will end soon. Not so sure I like the things that are coming up but have found I am reacting differently these days.
Had an instance of this today. I held the door open for a young lady to pass through, went to the bathroom and was coming back when I fell over. The same young lady was following me. She looked at me on the floor and hurried away. I AM NOT DRUNK. I am just unstable on my feet. Makes me alot scared to go out alone but have few choices there. Well I guess I have to just ignore others and get on with it all. It is harder than it sounds most days. Hurting is not fun. So onwards I go. A class in an hour or so and then home and back to bed. I didnt sleep much because it hurts to lie on my back or my sides for too long because the pressure on the lumpy parts hurts them, to lie on my back makes the shunt sites hurt and to lie on my belly hurts my neck. Will rest later and then begin again.
Its raining again as well. The storm was so loud last night and the pinging of the rain on a metal bowl downstairs was so annoying lol and then the sound of the sweeping the water away so the area didnt flood was loud as well. To top that all off I was upset because of something that happened and so it didnt make for a good rest. Oh well.
Ok off now.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

And today....
I slept until 11.30 after I cancelled my class. There was no way I was able to work today.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing, chatting and creating. I remade pieces of mine that have been sitting for years and am now able to wear them again and I made some new pieces for sale. Stunning bits that have been waiting and a few little bits of fun. I made the cutest mobile phone charm with a skull bead and it is really neat. It was good to feel the things flow. I think at last count I had finished about 6 new bracelets, 5 I remade, three rings, a necklace and I tidied up my beads. I am happy.
Feels good to have my things back again and I am happy I have made a hole in the mess so I can make new stuff now. All really really good. I look forward to the morning because I am going shopping to buy for the girls who have made orders with me. I have really missed my trips to China Town to shop. It feels like home to go back again.

Ok off to bed now.I am weary. Will talk more about the health stuff tomorrow. Cannot think anymore now.

Love and Hugs
Tanya