This is me and Marjorie. We were celebrating our friendship by a shared haircut experience where we donated our hair to a children's group who makes wigs for kids with no hair,due to chemo or illness or other reasons.
I am writing this because I am saddened by the end of our friendship.I know it was months ago but it seems that even though I got on with my life and left it all alone as I said I would do and I respected her boundaries and left her to her success my dear friend was not able to accord me the same respect.
It is a sad thing really because she has so many many lovely qualities that are so very valuable to the wider community and to the world as a whole.
I really do still love my friend even if she will not call me that.I still have a respect for her work and her good deeds and I still feel she is a wonderful and valuable person in many many ways.She can and does bring a lot of joy and support to many.I am writing this because the negatives are creeping out and are damaging her and others.
So here is a short message....I guess I may be the only one to read it BUT I am going to write it anyway.
The buck stops here.If it is within my power, I will not let you hurt anyone else the way you have chosen to hurt me.I will do everything I can to protect those who cannot do for themselves and I will share what you have done so that the whole world can read your words and see the results of your deeds.
For myself..... I am a big girl.
I thank you so much for the lessons you have provided for me and I thank you for the chance to change and to improve.I thank you so very very much for the painful moments as well as for the wonderful times we shared.Those will not be taken from me and are treasured still the same way with the same love and care as they were made.
So Thank you Miss Marjorie.
God Bless and Good Luck

Tanya

Buses all lined up to go.I often travel on ones that look like these and they are fun.
It seems my travelling is getting faster.Not so much in distance but certainly in time. Days scream past so very very fast.
I started doing some yoga two days ago.Result....I am waking up more awake and alert and earlier.It is having some sort of effect.I guess I need to keep it up.
We ate late this evening and so I have to wait a little while longer while my tummy empties a little.Not a good thing to exercise after a meal.Hence my having time to blog LOL.
I have also done a LOT of work today.I am proud of my efforts and know that they will pay off and do so quickly.It is coming and coming very very fast.Just like Christmas which will be here next week.
Ok off to do a little more paperwork and then to stand on my head.Yes I still can.LOL
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 121

Just a random garden.

Ah gosh it is weeks these days between times I write.So much has happened and yet nothing.
My head is still in a work F**Ked and I am putting that nicely.The pain is now constant even with a patch and I am trying very hard to do without adding the highly addictive painkillers that they contain.It kind of sucks when you feel like you want to die only because you hurt so much.
I can hear a lot of people say "well you are a lucky lady". I know this and I say that to myself often.I have so much going for me and I enjoy the life I have.I just dont want to be in so much pain anymore.
That was why I started to look for answers that are not medically based.
The mushrooms and the Thai herbs keep me kind of stable and I definitely feel worse if I dont take them.So I increased the dose but that didnt add to the relief unfortunately.I am not going to quit them as they do help somehow.
The diet... well it has been a little erratic of late.I am finding it hard to eat when I feel so crap.Mind you the nausea hasnt been as bad and I put that down to the herbs.Cant be much else that helps it.
I will look out for me a bit more an eat a little better.I do have to cut out some of the known allergens I have been consuming.Silly girl that I am but it is so easy to eat a sandwich and not have to cook.
Ok off to actually do some work instead of playing about.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Day 112

I wonder what it would be like to live in a little cave such as this one?
In some ways I have been. Maybe not so beautiful and certainly not as small because I am not so tiny but a little cave none the less.
I am breaking out of it and out of the dark and finding answers to all these odd questions and habits and so much other stuff but not yet the answer to the head.That is still to come.
I am taking my herbs regularly which is more than I was before. I am drinking my mushrooms everyday and they do help and I have resorted to using a patch for pain.I feel I kind of sold out there but there is no choice and it all hurts too much to function if I dont.
So I go forward and I will keep looking. I am yet to start on doing some yoga. I am procrastinating on that and not because it wont do any good but possibly because it will. I have had a habit of self sabotage and it has not served me well so I know it is time to let that one go.With awareness comes responsibility.I am take that responsibility and working with it as I uncover stuff I am working it out and removing the triggers that have had me running around in circles and going no where fast.
Ok I have to fly out.
I know I pop in for only a few minutes and not often enough. I am getting over that too,
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 97

My children. I am so proud of them all and hope that this wedding of the younger daughter will be successful and she will have a wonderful life.

This is a surprise. Tanya is blogging again after only 4 days. Well I actually feel ok today.I have had a rough few days and pain has been over the top.Pain patch to the rescue and whilst I am a little sleepy and a lot foggy in the brain I can function better.I also feel more motivated to do stuff I am supposed to.

This last few days has had me searching for answers again. I have had so many events that I have had to turn down, not attend or just plain cancel because I have been sick. I have missed out on so many opportunities and so many chances because of being ill and well... frankly speaking.... I have had enough.
So I sat and asked again and listened again and that didnt help much.All by myself it kind of yields nothing. Yesterday I sat and talked to my friend on Skype for a little over two hours.My how the time just flew past but it was so very useful for us both. I honestly point things out for her and she does the same for me. Sometimes she says things about her stuff that opens up new doors in mine. So what were the key things yesterday.

Safety..... I dont feel safe in my body.Now that has to be a strange sounding thing to many but to me it is natural.After all my body has been a very big source of pain from illness and abuse for most of my life and as such it makes me a lot insecure in how I feel about this physical 3D vehicle I travel about in.

After I worked that one out the questions tumbled out and they were things like "How can I change this so I feel safer? Do I have underlying beliefs that stop me feeling safe? If I have are they able to be changed and stay in place?" Oh and "What next?"

It all comes back to Faith. I have to believe that this all has a purpose and that I am being supported in all this. I have to just take it on face value that my life has a purpose and I am valuable (after all I am just as equal as everyone else so have the same "value"). I have decided to do what I am able and to look after myself and give back to me as best I can and let the rest go by the by. Not stress on it all and know that if the pain of illness gets too bad then I will be taken care of some how.Faith.What a fun concept.

On that note I am off to work. Still have to work even if it is too hard and I will do my best.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 93

When I went to Chiang Mai a few years ago I walked up this stairway. It felt like it was going on and on forever but I slowly and surely made it to the top.
A little like this journey.
This week has been a challenge and a half and I am sure that I do not want to go through this all again please. And yet I may have to.
Pain is not my friend and it is getting worse. I have had to use the pain patches I have been resisting because I am not able to cope with the increase in the level of pain. In fact my liver and belly is now heavily involved and I am looking almost pregnant because of the swelling. I have increased the mushrooms and added the Thai Herbs again which are helping with energy but not the pain stuff so at least I am having a small win.
I went to the Drs to get some more tests done.Thursday this week is ultra sound day and I have had more blood taken.We will see.The Dr.....well I guess I was less than happy with the fact that he didnt listen and is treating me as if I have an ulcer. Gosh I wish it was so very simple. I could have fixed that myself LOL.

Today my daughter gets married.I wish her all the best. It seems that in spite of all the best of intentions and all the best of the actions I am able to make I am still considered by her as the biggest bitch on earth.Oh well So Be It. She can live with the consequences of her actions as well and then maybe grow up a little.It will be interesting to see what happens over the next few months to a year.
Yes that is a lot more to all this but I wont bore anyone reading this nor will I start a flood of tears from me.
Today we will go to the park and see the butterflies. Just for something different to do.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya