Day 87

Another week has screamed past and I am so far behind.
The pic is of the local statue in Rayong that is meant to keep the sea friendly.It is there to protect.I wonder where I can find one for my front door to keep out all the nastys.

So pain has not been fun and I have been wondering what to do. I have resisted for ages to put on a patch because I dont want an addiction to pain meds but on Thursday afternoon it all got too much and I finally put one on.
I slept a little and then when I woke I felt about a million percent better. The pain is still there but the really hard edges were gone. I have had an awesome last couple of days with loads of laughs and fun in the day as well as managing to get something done without it being a struggle. I think the next patch wont be so far away next time. I like having a sense of freedom and even if the pain is not gone completely it is now back in manageable mode.
I am taking my Thai herbs again as I know they dont do much in the jar. I feel better for that too.I am less tired which helps a lot and I am sleeping better. Oh and I bought a new pillow last week as well.Its a latex rubber one that remembers its form and it has made my head hurt less in the mornings. Better support helps a lot there as well.
So over all the week has been positive.
On that note I also allowed myself to get angry. For the first time in such a long time. Instead of swallowing it and getting on with it all I actually allowed myself to blow up and feel the feeling. Wow how liberating was that. I know now that I am ok even if I am angry about something and the outcome of anger doesnt have to be destructive to a relationship or to me.Part of the end result of that is that I have decided now to stop "not doing" for me. Its not a good thing to deny myself basics like new shoes and clothes while I give all to someone else. So I am going to see the Dr and get tests done. I have a day off on Friday and have made an appointment. Time to see what is happening in the belly.
The belly is as uncomfortable and painful as the head these days. Too much pressure and a huge lump that is hard.I need to work out what that is so I can focus on making it go away.We will see what gives at the end of the week.
So all in all a very very big week and I learnt a lot. I hope my little words give an insight but it was very very big.
Will be back again soon. Not so long between posts.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Gosh Day 80 already

I really want a week or more in a little place like this. No stress, no fuss and no worries.

I have really been snowed under with so much. I did a couple of things last week and I have put a couple of posts under this so as you can get an idea of what I did.Well it wasnt much I wrote about but it felt important at the time.Today is already more than a week past last Monday and it screamed by so fast.I have made an amazing set out of what I started in Laos and no it is not finished just yet but today it may finally get off the bench and onto a model for pics. I hope so.
This blog started as a journey to find an answer to my head pain. Well it is has not done that. Medically I have been able to do not much as I have had no money to see a Dr. I had bloodwork done that tells me I have a cancer lurking somewhere and that the pain in my head and belly may be connected but no diagnostics.I am working so hard on getting up everyday to go to work to pay the bills and then to come home and create stuff for the shows I have been invited to so that I can raise the funds to have the scan I need to have done so I can do what? Die anyway? Well I am enjoying it all as much as pain will allow. The horrid nasty stuff saps all the energy and takes away a lot of joy at times and I find myself making my world smaller so I dont hurt as much.
I have done so much inner healing stuff and off loaded so much baggage and changed so many ways. The "New age" people tell me that it will help. I am at that point now where it doesnt matter really one way or another because there is no future really. Not past the next few weeks or months. Oh well.NO today is not a down day. It is how it is everyday. I just dont see the point any longer.
Ok I am off to work.I will explore this more another time.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day? Saturday 6th.
Ok so here I am again. Late again.
I had a brush with the Grim Reaper yesterday. I seriously felt I was dying. I woke feeling pretty awful and my head was bad. So I took a dose of Cafergot to try and help. I have taken it before with no problems so thought it would be safe enough. I dressed and went off to school for Thai class and then 4 hours at work. My new job is great only being 4 hours a day and a flexible 12 o'clock start.
Sitting in the classroom and the nausea began and the head got worse. I tried just washing my face and cooling down but it continued to get worse so I went home. Dont know what the boss will think because I have only just started but I was glad I left because in the cab I was really feeling crappy and by the time I got home had to have help to even walk.
Upstairs (what an effort that was) and into bed to vomit everywhere and pass out. As I let go into unconciousness the whole room turned Emerald Green and I was floating in it. It felt so clean and fresh and alive.
A few hours later I woke up. I was still shaky and dizzy but not dying anymore. Dying is the only way to really describe the feeling I had had before.
It was not a good time and I wont be touching the meds again. Lesson learnt.
Today I woke feeling alert and more well than I have in a long long time. I didnt need the coffee kick start I usually have to have and my usual lack of motivation has all but disappeared. I want to do things and want to move forward. Today I feel valuable and happy.
The Green? I feel it was a healing and I know it is why I feel the way I do today. I also know I can access it anytime now. I wonder how I can share that one too? Will have to look at it.
Off now to sort my visa run. I have to go to Laos to get my visa. Funny how this sort of travelling no longer is more than just routine. Gosh I am going to another country even and it is kind of boring lol. I have a couple of projects I will work on that are time intensive so will get things done too.
Ok alomst there. Must look out for my stop.


Love and Hugs
Tanya

Monday
Laos. Slept for about 4hours late night. The trip in the van was ok but not good for sleeping. So my visa was approved. YAY I am happy and I started my new piece but the light was crap so only could do a little. Then I was too tired so went to sleep. Spent time watching crappy movies and thinking. Ok all good. Time to go back to bed. I'm still so tired.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 67

Larimar.... I bought a kg about a year ago. Well I finally am going to do something with it and as a result of looking at it all and working with it, it seems I am going forward as well.

I have been offloading energetics that have been in place for a while now. I let go of some negative experiences. Not the experience itself per se, just the energy and I feel better for it. All this working out about how to find a path through the headache and pain keeps bringing me back to all this baggage I have been lugging about.

As I let go, new stuff is flowing in so very very fast. I just wish it would balance and I could sleep a little as well but that will come as I get used to the increased flow. Balance seems to arrive when needed.

We are looking at a weekend away next weekend if possible.We have been invited to go to the Gems Capital of Thailand and to check out the candy box of precious and semi-precious stones of a huge store. OMG what fun that would be.I hope I can swing it. As it is I have to go to Laos on Sunday to make my new visa and that is a 3 day trip in a small bus there and back. Fun times but I can see me making something beautiful while I am away because I will have time to sit and work.

Ok on that front all is screaming along. So many new avenues and so many opportunities are popping up. I hope they all bear fruit in a timely fashion as well.

I am not teaching right now because I am writing textbook material but will begin teaching again after next week.Its only a couple of private classes so it should be ok. I feel a little burnt out right now but know it can be sorted once I get this stupid liver functioning again. It seems to want to hurt all the time.Will have it looked at when money comes and so hopefully this will be soon.

Ok have to fly out the door.Shower, dress and off. I'll be late if I dont move now.

Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 64

Gosh more than a week has screamed by and I am just catching up with myself.
I have decided I am going to pretend I dont hurt. This is not an easy thing and I still do actually hurt but I am pretending. Why? Because if I dont I will just curl up in a corner and cry.
My classes ended for now and I am looking at a new job with interesting prospects. I am being asked to write some text materials and I know my method works well.I have seen the results of it and so I will consider it.It is a way of getting my "self" out there into the community in such a positive way.
I have completed a few new designs (no pics yet) and I have also gotten a new lamp.That is such an exciting thing as it means I can now see more clearly to work on my pieces. I am so looking forward to having time to play.
When is that going to happen? Well at this point in time I am not sure. I dont even sit at the computer for days at a time, I sleep when I am able because this upset liver thing is knocking my sleep patterns all over the shop and I am so tired in between. I have to get over that as well. Its all a concept I guess and can be changed if needs be. Good thing that.
So many new ideas and opportunities flooding in. Now to get the money flowing as well so I am able to meet the deadlines I have and to get it all going forward as fast as it seems to want to flow.
I send out love and hugs to those of you who are not well or who have great hardship.If I am able I will sort something a little more concrete but at this stage it is not possible.
Got to go and write assessments for my last class.

Love and Hugs
Tanya