This was taken on 30th Sept.
In this pic you can see my walking stick and if you look closely on the seat is a large envelope.
The stick is because I am no longer balanced and cannot walk without falling often.

Why now? Why post now? In that envelope is my PET CT scan that I had done the week before. Because of the love and care from a wonderful group of friends I was finally able to afford to have pics taken that have given really good indicators of what is wrong. Why I am in pain, why I have a headache. Yes a LOT more questions but also many answers.

So a little background. I havent posted in a long time because I kind of gave up looking for answers. Got told often enough that it was all in my imagination and that I needed to just suck it up and get on with it. Well I did. I went back to work for a bit until it got too hard to do. Gave it up and tried again and again. Tried herbs and coconut oil and was feeling less crap so went back to work AGAIN. That one lasted two weeks really even though I am still tidying up the last strings there. I started to sell online again only to come up against a wall that has been thrown up out there.(will talk more about that later)

So fast forward to a week ago. Hey Tanya you are so fat, and you dont look sick. Well strangely enough I have dropped 20+ pounds in the last three months with no diet and no exercise (Yes I was REALLY fat before) so this level of fat right now is ok for me. You dont look sick. No, I am smiling and you cant see the black rings under my eyes.

The young man in the pic is a friend off FB who came to visit in Bangkok and we have spent some time sort of socialising. I am taking him shopping on Tuesday if I can.

So I know you are waiting....Impatiently, if you are like I was. What does the scan show Tanya ?
This scan is done by injecting radio active glucose in the blood and allowing the cells to uptake the glucose. This leaves the tracer in place. So where does it show up?  Areas of high metabolic activity. Cancer, inflammation, tissue damage. Places were the cells are taking up a LOT of energy are the concentrated spots.

I have three shiny spots. The first one in my lower left leg is only small at 0.8cm (small LOL )the next biggest one is on the stomach. It is at least 4 times the brightness which means that is may be up to 4 times the size or more. The biggest spot is on the uterus and that is bigger than either of the other two spots.

The brain is not discussed which is interesting because it is also glowing. I need to sort an MRI for this now. I also am sorting blood tests to verify what is going on. The report says neoplasm/malignancy in all three areas.

So I sat. I was stunned. I expected the leg, the rest was like a smack in the guts.

NEXT.... ok so after talking to the Dr he wants me to spend another 100,000 baht or so (the scan was 70,000 and the Drs bills added up to 2750 baht for two consults) to see three other specialists to have ultrasounds, biposies , a endoscopy. No mention of blood tests to check the simple stuff. No mention of seeing an Oncologist to co-ordinate all this. It is a money making exercise.
I thanked him kindly and sorted to go to the Government teaching hospital.
I have a 6pm appointment today (Monday 8th)  to get my blood work started and to get my MRI referral. I had to fight my way through a whole bunch of bureaucratic stuff to be able to even get an appointment but it is underway now. Thank God for my dear partner who held my hand and kept me from crying while I battled with systems not designed to work in a straight forward manner. Even having to wait to see a Dr....You would think that this would be a simple task .Go the the hospital and get checked. Well it seems not. The Drs on duty refused to see me when they had a look at my scan pics. I get the privilege of seeing the Head specialist now LOL.
So the train is moving forward. To where ? No idea. If it is Melanoma like it it looks I am not sure how long this train will continue to run but for now I am enjoying EACH and EVERY moment.
I will keep you posted.
For now I am ok.
I will keep you posted.
Love and hugs
Tanya

Spike was my Christmas present last Christmas.I chose him to come home with me because I have so missed having a pet as I was not allowed a cat or dog in my room a rabbit was the next best buddy.
Well he was so much fun and within a few days was following me like a puppy.
After about 2 weeks Spike showed signs of wasting.He ate and ate all the time and drank normally but he didnt grow and was getting thinner.
One morning I woke to find Spike floppy.I got him out of his cage and he made motions to eat but then lay down and was "floppy" even more.
After a few minutes he convulsed and within 20 minutes my little friend died.
I cried for two days.
What did Spike teach me?
No matter how long you are here you can still bring joy into someone's life. He taught me that love and care are important no matter how long or short your life is and he taught me to enjoy the small stuff.
Since Spike left I have had Ben and Max, both of whom are gone away. Ben died of the same stomach thing as Spike had.They were litter mates (brothers I am lead to believe) and so had the same genetic thing. Max is an English Angora and as he has fur that is very very long I wasnt going to have my other rabbits eating his fur and getting fur balls.Max went to a breeder where is getting the royal treatment and is loved no end.Apparently he is going to be a daddy soon which is more than I was going to let him be LOL.
We now have Mini Rex's and they are so very cute.
So what has this got to do with my head? Well the babies have given me a lot of pleasure and joy and are quite happy for me to sit and pat them and to get my daily dose of Blood Pressure reducing patting time.They also bring a lot of smiles because they do such funny things.
Just because there is pain doesnt mean all Joy has to disappear and there as simple ways that it can be brought back again.
Thank you Spike.
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Its been a While

In fact it has been so long the whole format of my blog site has changed and I have no idea what I am doing here anymore.

I will have to relearn it as I go. Just a small some thing I made last year.I wanted to share something pretty first.
So what has been going on?
Well I have finally found what seems to be the reason for my headache.I have an alpha1 antitrypsin deficiency.It is a genetic liver disease and there is no cure.
It seems that as the liver has deteriorated it irritates the astrocytes in the brain (these are special cells in the brain that look like little stars under the microscope and that is how they got their name) and so they leak.The resulting edema is what causes the increased pressure in my head.Not an over production of CSF as I have been being told for years now and not a malfunction of the brain to absorb the fluid. This misdiagnosis happened because they have ALL told me that the increase protein in the CSF when they did spinal taps was "insignificant" and "not important". Heck why have a normal range then if this is not an important factor.
So now I have choices and I am not shadow boxing anymore and I have an understanding of a prognosis.I am not sure I like it but at least it is better than having no idea nor anyway to look after myself because I dont know they underlying cause.
More tomorrow.
Got to rest a little more now.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

Ok after doing everything I can for more than the required 90days I still see no improvements.In fact if anything it is all worse.I now cannot function without pain meds and my head is sore anyway.The pain meds make me sick and I am not doing so well with that either.
I am giving up I think.I have had enough.
I will still do all the good things to help me like take my herbs and sleep and go to work and all that.But I give up on the rest.I have to keep life going forward in some way and I am finding that the pain is whittling it all down to not very much.
There are creative things I am doing that I love and I am making more time for those.Very important.
I am not going to allow those around me to get to me anymore and I am not going to waste anymore of my precious time and energy on those who tell me I am a liar, scammer and a thief.Yes if you are reading this you know who you are.ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!
So I am doing things that show I have integrity.Funny that I am not advertising them to the world and so you dont know anything about them.I do not need the public recognition to say I am doing a good job and I do not need you to tell me I am ok. You know who I am talking to.
So on that note I am going to waste no more time and I am off to send my beautiful creations out into the world so they can go to new homes.
Thank you all and have the bestest day.
Love and Hugs
Tanya

This is me and Marjorie. We were celebrating our friendship by a shared haircut experience where we donated our hair to a children's group who makes wigs for kids with no hair,due to chemo or illness or other reasons.
I am writing this because I am saddened by the end of our friendship.I know it was months ago but it seems that even though I got on with my life and left it all alone as I said I would do and I respected her boundaries and left her to her success my dear friend was not able to accord me the same respect.
It is a sad thing really because she has so many many lovely qualities that are so very valuable to the wider community and to the world as a whole.
I really do still love my friend even if she will not call me that.I still have a respect for her work and her good deeds and I still feel she is a wonderful and valuable person in many many ways.She can and does bring a lot of joy and support to many.I am writing this because the negatives are creeping out and are damaging her and others.
So here is a short message....I guess I may be the only one to read it BUT I am going to write it anyway.
The buck stops here.If it is within my power, I will not let you hurt anyone else the way you have chosen to hurt me.I will do everything I can to protect those who cannot do for themselves and I will share what you have done so that the whole world can read your words and see the results of your deeds.
For myself..... I am a big girl.
I thank you so much for the lessons you have provided for me and I thank you for the chance to change and to improve.I thank you so very very much for the painful moments as well as for the wonderful times we shared.Those will not be taken from me and are treasured still the same way with the same love and care as they were made.
So Thank you Miss Marjorie.
God Bless and Good Luck

Tanya

Buses all lined up to go.I often travel on ones that look like these and they are fun.
It seems my travelling is getting faster.Not so much in distance but certainly in time. Days scream past so very very fast.
I started doing some yoga two days ago.Result....I am waking up more awake and alert and earlier.It is having some sort of effect.I guess I need to keep it up.
We ate late this evening and so I have to wait a little while longer while my tummy empties a little.Not a good thing to exercise after a meal.Hence my having time to blog LOL.
I have also done a LOT of work today.I am proud of my efforts and know that they will pay off and do so quickly.It is coming and coming very very fast.Just like Christmas which will be here next week.
Ok off to do a little more paperwork and then to stand on my head.Yes I still can.LOL
Love and Hugs to all
Tanya

Day 121

Just a random garden.

Ah gosh it is weeks these days between times I write.So much has happened and yet nothing.
My head is still in a work F**Ked and I am putting that nicely.The pain is now constant even with a patch and I am trying very hard to do without adding the highly addictive painkillers that they contain.It kind of sucks when you feel like you want to die only because you hurt so much.
I can hear a lot of people say "well you are a lucky lady". I know this and I say that to myself often.I have so much going for me and I enjoy the life I have.I just dont want to be in so much pain anymore.
That was why I started to look for answers that are not medically based.
The mushrooms and the Thai herbs keep me kind of stable and I definitely feel worse if I dont take them.So I increased the dose but that didnt add to the relief unfortunately.I am not going to quit them as they do help somehow.
The diet... well it has been a little erratic of late.I am finding it hard to eat when I feel so crap.Mind you the nausea hasnt been as bad and I put that down to the herbs.Cant be much else that helps it.
I will look out for me a bit more an eat a little better.I do have to cut out some of the known allergens I have been consuming.Silly girl that I am but it is so easy to eat a sandwich and not have to cook.
Ok off to actually do some work instead of playing about.
Love and Hugs
Tanya